Wrestling With Blessings

This blog post follows my thought processing and goes a little all over the place. Sorry about that, but I felt the need to let you into my mind a little bit. I’ve been asking God a lot of questions lately. I’d like to share just some of them here with you in order to give God the glory for what I’ve been learning!

Okay, so first let me tell two contrasting stories. My squad does house visits with locals in Santo Domingo in the Dominican Republic. What this looks like is we follow Pastor to a local’s home where—through a translator— we ask questions, get to know them, encourage them, learn from them, sometimes read Bible verses, and always end in prayer. One recent home visit was particularly difficult. Pastor Job, my team, and I were ushered into a small room where an elderly woman lay on a bed. She told us that she had been living with a painful headache for ten years. There was a mobile clinic down the road that we offered to carry her to, but her daughter let us know she had a doctor’s appointment the week before and another one scheduled for the week after. So, we just sat with her. We didn’t force her to speak. She had a weathered Bible next to her and spent some time flipping through the pages. What could we do in the presence of so much pain? We sat with her in silence for a while; we read some Bible verses together; we sang quietly over her; and we prayed over her. Pastor Job got her contact information and is going to go back to her to keep up to date on her condition and continue to pray for her.

After this heavy day of ministry, my team was given an adventure day and a Sabbath (day of rest to spend with the Lord). We decided to go to a beach, spend the night, and come back the next day. A family member of the squad gifted a stay at an Air B&B to our team. It had a terrace with a view of the pool, the cliffs, the city, and the ocean. We spent a full day by the water on Sosua Beach, slept, and then went the next day to a gorgeous coffee shop called Vagamundo. The place was full of tropical ferns, palms, and hanging flowers. There was live music, iced coffee, and waffles. I found jewelry, sarongs, and handmade gifts in a corner; and I bought myself a $25 (600+ peso) ring…

Wow.

Look at that contrast.

I got back to my seat and was hit with not guilt exactly but definite cognitive dissonance. I’m here for ministry. I’m here to serve. But when I am in a place of luxury and comfort and see beautiful things to buy, I so quickly think of myself and what tangible things I want. I am so incredibly blessed by even the ability to walk around and be healthy and not in pain. What a gift! And I was struck with the truth that God loves that hurting woman to the same infinite degree that He loves me. That’s so beautiful but also so uneven. Why am I blessed when she is not? Why am I surrounded by comfort while she is trapped in a small room in pain for years? It doesn’t make sense. These are some of the questions I’m asking and keep asking. But there’s more.

I know God doesn’t want me to feel guilty over the blessings He has given me, because every good gift comes from Him (James 1:17). But I also know that money is not mine. It is God’s. And the main reason God allows me to be blessed is in order to bless others.

Abba, where is the balance of accepting the gifts/blessings that God gives and how much should I immediately give away? In a way none of it’s mine. But then my friend Chach brought up a really good point the other night. She said that it is really important to be a good receiver/accepter of gifts. We can’t always pay people back. Because if we get in the habit of paying people back always to the cent, then we start to think that is what friendships are. We expect to be repaid and to never be in debt. But Chach said, “If we can’t accept a free gift from our friend, then how are we ever to receive the free gift of salvation from the All-Powerful God of the universe?”
Wow. Mic drop.

So there’s that too. I want to be grateful and receive gifts. But also, it can’t be about me, and I shouldn’t hoard blessings or think of myself first (Philippians 2:3-4). When surrounded by luxury, I usually swing back and forth between two extremes: on one hand I think of myself immediately and buy things for myself. On the other hand, I feel incredibly guilty and over-restrict thinking that I shouldn’t buy anything for myself.

After I bought the ring and made the above connections, I was incredibly tempted to draw a hard line in the sand and say that I wouldn’t buy anything for myself for the rest of the race. Then God—in His infinite kindness and patience—reminded me that I need food 🙂 And soap to clean myself and my laundry. And preferably some clothing that isn’t falling apart or fully covered in paint. God is so kind and spoke through my friend who wanted to remain nameless in this. I verbally processed a lot of the above ideas with her, and she so gently offered me an idea: “Instead of making a hard and fast rule, you could treat it on a case-by-case basis. What would it look like to ask God before impulse buying something?”

Whoa. Actually inviting God into the nitty gritty, every-day stuff? Part of me thinks that God is too busy or big or important and doesn’t care about the little things like that. But then I read verses like Matthew 10:29-31 that says, “Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin? And not one of them falls to the ground apart from your Father’s will. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.” So God cares about the little stuff. And God definitely cares about my heart, and my perspective on money and blessings.

So, in the midst of all this asking and searching, God is so good and patient with me. <3 I am going to take the steps to pray when tempted to impulse buy and also just in general. God wants to be invited into the everyday mundane moments, and prayer is so so so powerful, guys. It’s so good.

In that train of thought, would y’all be praying for me and my team? Here are some prayer requests:

• For health for the team (some of us are sick and “la gripe” is going around the DR right now. It’s nothing too serious and we have a nurse, but we want to feel better in order to be more effective in our serving)
• For protection of our thought life and against the lies of the enemy
• For persistence in our pursuit of seeing God for who He truly is
• For our ministry host Mission of Hope as they prepare to have 96 people on the campus at once
• For my team’s upcoming move to a new ministry location on March 10^th!

What questions have been on your heart lately? Are you searching and asking God? Do you have believers speaking wisdom into your life? I encourage you to keep asking God all your questions. He loves you so much and loves hearing from You. Thank you for your patience and kindness in reading my ramblings. I appreciate you so much!